


I WANNA FUCKING TEAR YOU APART

by ouzell



Series: She Wants Revenge [1]
Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst, Angst and Romance, Awkward Romance, Bisexual Chris, Cannibalistic Thoughts, Fluff and Angst, Half-Wendigo Josh Washington, Hearing Voices, Josh Lives, Living Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Self-Esteem Issues, Wendigo, Wendigo Josh Washington, chris awkwardly cracking jokes and trying to comfort his friend, cliffhanger ending, josh being let out from the mental institution, josh's strange animal instincts coming to light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-01 18:11:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17249003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ouzell/pseuds/ouzell
Summary: It's only just a crush, it'll go awayIt's just like all the others it'll go awayOr maybe this is danger and he just don't knowYou pray it all away but it continues to grow





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This, (my first Climbing Class fic,) is based off of the song 'Tear You Apart' by She Wants Revenge; what began as a drabble snowballed into something SUPER fun that I could potentially push myself to finish! So, if you like this please let me know. Otherwise, I'll just be busy rewatching Hannibal
> 
> EDIT: This is now complete! Enjoy!

Everything about him is appetizing, right down to his beautiful beating heart. 

   Ever since the mountain, things haven’t been the same. It’s hard to remember the end of it, and until a few months ago the treatment center has only been one long, painful blur. Josh has never done hard drugs, but his time spent in there was like withdrawals from all of them combined. He’s sick, and he’ll never be well, he knows that. The hunger consumed his mind so long ago and so entirely that he can’t remember what it was like before and it’s terrifying. It’s like a snake lying in the pit of his stomach, churning with every scent and movement. He clicks in the depths of his throat with every urge to bite, to tear, to rip apart the tendons he sees before him. Every second wavers with uncertainty at what he will do next, but that’s not the worst of it. Not by far. Josh has endured illness before, felt his hands shake with paranoia and fear just like this. He can ignore the persistent cold and the beast on his shoulder whispering into his ear; he can block it out with the medications and self help tools and safety plans. Just please, for the love of God, don’t let him be alone.

    Nevertheless, fear strikes him when he’s told he’ll be leaving the treatment center. No, he hasn’t seen a soul since he’s been admitted and no, he doesn’t know if he’s prepared to face them. They insist he’s ready, that they’ve determined he’s no longer a danger, but he knows. He knows that that monster inside him is also ready- ready to pull him down from the stability he’s worked so hard to build  as soon as he’s outside of these institutional stone walls. Knowing this, his hesitance persists. It persists until he is shown the documents entailing what’s to come. When the bold black font asks who will watch after him, he is surprised to read his best friend’s name in neat blue ink. His fear dissolves, and is instead replaced with a different kind of uncertainty. Has Chris forgiven him, even after all he’s done? There’s no way of knowing, not until he speaks to him face to face. The prospect intimidates him, but they remind him that all of this is “essential to his recovery.” How can he argue with that?

   The sun is just setting as he takes his first steps outside, but its last hostile rays still stab painfully at the back of his eyes. Whatever followed him from the mountain has sentenced him to life as a creature of the night with sadistic finality. There is no sense in fighting it. The staggering reality that he’s leaving-  _ really _ leaving- doesn’t hit until he recognizes that gray SUV pull into the parking lot. The urge to run takes hold of Josh, but dissipates moments later. After so long, it’s consoling to see that dirty blond hair and inoffensive stride. And yet, he can’t bring himself to meet his friend’s protective gaze. Even after the fifth joke, even after the silence settles as they drive, even after they arrive at a house stiff with unfamiliarity, he avoids it like the plague. Every inch of Josh Washington’s body is frozen, and one glance from those blue eyes would crack him right in two like an ice cube.

_     HUNGRY…. SOFT, PINK FLESH...  _

_ Shut up, shut up, shut up! _

   In a panic to escape his own intrusive thoughts, he abruptly opens the car door and steps out; the slam grounds him with reassuring finality. An uncertain tone reaches his sensitive ears.

   “Josh? You okay, buddy?”

   It is Chris, whose voice is an unexpected blanket of warmth around his cold shoulders. Beneath his surgical mask, a permanent grimace cracks open to attempt a response. Instead, a crackle shakes itself out of his throat like an echo of hunger. In a panic, he thanks his lucky stars that it’s not audible from the other side of the car. With a frown of concentration, he clears his throat and tries again. “Yeah.” Tired eyes don’t dare leave the ground for fear of his curiosity betraying him. “Sorry.”

   “No worries.” He only opens the back to grab a duffel bag, seemingly unaccustomed to this new, quiet Josh. He must have so many questions, and yet not a single one has been asked.

   The soft spoken man ignores the snarl that rumbles in his stomach and instead asks his own. “Where are we?”

   The other chuckles sheepishly, just like he always used to. “Your parents wanted you to have a place of your own to recover in, I guess. Y’know, away from… everything.”

   “Away from them.”

   “Er… yeah.” 

   They both know this is the truth, despite the facades put on for the rest of the world. Neither of his parents have been able to look him in the eye after what happened. After their first visit went so horribly, how could they?

  
  
  
  
  


   There’s a muffled, “He’s lucid, but not completely,” before a beep and the mechanical sound of locks letting go of a thick door. They enter his world of drug-induced fog and mist, heartbeats plucking the strings of his hunger with every pulse.

   ...EAT... EAT SNAP AND CHEW… TEETH SINKING INTO MEAT… FRESH BLOOD...

   “...Joshua?” Melinda Washington speaks to her son, the first real voice he recognizes after being found in the mines. His head jerks in her direction, but lazily bobs in his partially sedated state. There is a thin thread of humanity left in their boy, and for a moment, her lifeline of love and concern seems to connect; for a moment, it holds.

   But in another, it is broken. That green gaze that was once so thoughtful and troubled is muddled with something else. It clouds his eyes and reduces him to a shaking, growling mess. Josh feels himself falling back into the dark hold of the beast; it’s hard to hold on, and so easy to let go. He lunges against his restraints, and his father pulls his wife away. With every click of his teeth as they snap together, that look of horror solidifies in Bob Washington’s eyes. He cannot believe what he is seeing, but he must- he must, and so must she. Their last child has been tortured to even further insanity by his mental illness, and there is no telling whether he’ll ever return. 

   And yet, even as he fights with all his might to free his hands and claw and shred and break, he is reaching for something else. Josh is reaching for salvation. ‘Help me,’ he is saying. ‘Help me, I can’t do this alone. I am so alone.’

   They never visit again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris sees his friend again for the first time and just how much time has changed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so it's only been a day but I've had this kicking around in my docs for so long I figured I'd post it  
> Chris POV, in case that wasn't clear

It’s been almost another year since their last fateful visit to Blackwood Pines, and not a day of that time has been easy. Even after all that, Chris’ parents were insistent on him finishing college, so of course he’d gone back to school as soon as classes started. That was a mistake. Everything seemed to remind him of what he was trying to forget; loud screams and peals of laughter in the hallways made him jump, every quick movement made him tense up, and the loud, commanding voice of his professor was all too similar to that of the ‘Psycho’. Even the buzzing of his cell phone is startling in a quiet moment, and in that kind of environment it was impossible for him to function. He couldn’t be a complete disappointment to his parents though, could he? So, night school it was, and it worked for a while. In the evenings it was quieter, calmer. Chris enjoyed talking to the older folks there about their children- one of them was even going to the same school; he found it humbling to talk to the single mothers working two jobs while getting their degree- even with another kid on the way. In those brightly lit rooms he felt friendliness and a kind of down-to-earth acceptance. Everyone was there for different reasons, and he had his own- but there was one staggering problem. Walking alone at night.

   It feels silly, like a childhood fear come back to haunt him- and yet it remains. He hasn’t been able to even touch a flashlight since the mountain, and winter still brings flashbacks of blood spattered violently against the snow. 

   After what happened, all of them had found it hard to forgive Josh, even after Sam tried to organize a get together to talk about it. Needless to say, that didn’t work out. 

    Mike and Jess are still reasonably friendly, but Emily keeps her distance, and Matt never really talked to him in the first place. Chris hasn’t asked, but he’s pretty sure those two split up; apparently Emily doesn’t do well with trauma. They’re all so busy going their separate ways that reaching out to anyone seems pointless. He’s on his phone almost consistently, and yet not one of them has bothered to stay in contact. In fact, even Sam doesn’t have time to chat anymore. To deal with her own issues, she’s thrown herself into life full force. Between school, volunteer work, and her crazy active lifestyle, she’s been keeping herself too busy to break down. ‘ _ Well _ ,’ he thought, ‘ _ if it works, it works.’ _ Like he could ever commit to that- McDonald's still has him on a tight leash.

   At first, it was easy for Chris to keep his best friend out of his mind. Josh was fine, being taken well care of by his parents and as many expensive doctors as he could hope for. Right? The sinking feeling of regret still lingers, but he reassures himself that they found him eventually- he’s alive, that’s all that matters. And that thought process works, keeps him going for a while- keeps him going for a long while- until he gets the call.

   In the middle of a busy Starbucks, Chris jumps at his own ringtone. He fumbles with his drink to wrestle his cell phone from his coat pocket. When he finally manages to do so, he stops, surprised. ‘Bob’ the caller ID states. ‘Bob,’ so frank and unmoving, just as machines are known to be. It sends a wave of confusion and apprehension flooding through his nerves as he makes his way outside and into the chill. He gulps, then accepts the call. “H-Hello?”

   “Hello Christopher, it’s Bob, Bob Washington.” The usual businesslike tone of the Hollywood mogul sounds surprisingly weary and overworked. 

   “Well uh, hi Mr. Washington, it’s been a while.” Even before the horrible events having to do with the Washingtons, Bob has never quite ‘liked’ Chris. Mrs. Washington was nice enough, but he was downright homophobic. The only reason he let him hang around Josh was because after middle school Josh’d go ballistic if he said so much as a word.

   “Yes, yes it has…” There’s a moment of silence before what sounds like a sigh. Curiosity peaks just before he continues: “Josh is being released.”

   The air in his lungs stops- almost hiccups.

   The last time he’d seen Josh he’d been tying him up with rope. A jolt still punched him in the chest every time he remembered pushing Mike’s gun away. That, and the mindless blabbering his ‘bro’ had taunted them with. Sometimes, that was the scariest part of the whole ordeal; he was so different, so full of spite and malice. ‘ _ I guess that’s what he felt we deserved.’ _

__  “Are you still there?”

   He finally breaks out of his thoughts. “Yeah, I’m still here- how’s he doing?”

   “Actually, that’s what I’m calling you about. He’s better- a lot better, actually- it’s just that…”  Mr. Washington pauses. While he does, Chris exits and gets in his car for some privacy. This wasn’t a conversation he’d expected. “We can’t give him the care he needs.”

   He frowns. “What’s  _ that _ supposed to mean?”

   A sigh, “He needs someone to look after him and Melissa and I can’t.”  _ ‘or won’t,’ _ he thinks. As hard as they seemed to try, Josh’s parents never seemed to really understand. “We’ve already contacted Samantha, and she isn’t able to either.”

   This causes his eyes to widen with surprise. Wow. Sam’s too busy, even for  _ this _ ? Well, maybe she’s just being realistic. Still, he can’t help a scoff at that. “I’m the last on your list?”

   “You two are the only ones  _ on _ the list.” He can hear the disgruntled tone Mr. Washington is using, but Chris doesn’t care. His heart is just sinking at the realization that Josh has no one else.

   His voice breaks against his will, but he speaks anyway. All he can do is stare unseeing into the parking lot. “So you’re just going to abandon him?” Just like they did before, they’re going to leave Josh to fend for himself. And he’s going to fail.

   Mr. Washington is quiet on the other end at such a brazen question. “Are you?”

   It stings, but hardens Chris’ resolve. “No. Of course not.” There is no uncertainty in his voice at that; he’d never abandon Josh. But… he already did. That’s what got him into this mess- even when he went back, it was still too late. Well, this time would be different. 

   “Good.  My wife will email you the details. Everything is paid for and taken care of.”

   “Uh, okay-”

   But there’s a soft click before he can even finish his sentence. Josh’s father is all business, just as he’s always been. 

   Chris sighs. “Bye-” His phone is tossed into the seat next to him. “‘dick.”

 

 

 

 

 

   “Okay Chris, you got this. You’ve got this! It’s just Josh. He needs you.” ‘ _ And I need him,’  _ he thinks. Even from a distance, this is the first time he’s seen his friend in an eternity. Will he be different? Yes, of course he will. They both are, what a silly question to ask; what he really means is, will  _ they _ be different? Surely their friendship can’t stay unchanged forever. It’s hard to differentiate his anxious thoughts from reality, so he just forces himself to get on with it. The remaining cold of winter sends goosebumps up his neck, but he continues toward the figure on the bench. Is that him? Could that really be him? He looks skinnier… taller- and oddly enough, wearing a medical mask. Nevertheless, he recognizes those weary eyes as soon as he gets a close enough look.

   “Josh.” It’s all he can say, for it feels so odd to see him again in all his bag-eyed glory. “It’s good to see you again.”

   The other doesn’t look up, just keeps his gaze on the ground and nods with an uncomfortable swallow. His voice is husky with what might be emotion. “Yeah.”

   “‘Bet you’re happy you can finally fly over  _ this _ cuckoo’s nest, huh?” It’s an effort at a smile that he offers, abnormally uneasy in this unfamiliar situation. The urge to hug the life out of him is heart-wrenching.

   Josh gives no answer. They just walk in silence to the car. There are no bags to carry, no belongings to lug into the trunk. Just him.

   “You want to get coffee?”

   “No, thanks.”

  In the last bits of evening light, trees budding with new life speed past, and rain taps softly at the windows. Chris is thankful for Spring and its new beginnings- he's never been one to believe in luck, but hopes that the seasonal change will help lift them both out of their troubles. That, and the rain is comforting after being buried in snow for so long. 

   He glances over as he drives. Already, four more jokes have been left to hang stale in the air. It feels as if he can’t say anything right. All he wants is to do something- anything- to make Josh feel better, but he hasn’t the wildest notion of what would work. In the packet, it mentioned he might be a bit more reserved than usual, but he doesn’t necessarily find that thing completely trustworthy. Those were the same kinds of doctors that’d misdiagnosed and mistreated his friend for so many years prior, after all.

   That’s okay. Just being around him again is a little comforting, despite the uncomfortable silence. He’s back, that’s all that matters.


	3. Chapter 3

Chris microwaves hot chocolate and leftovers for dinner. 

With his own mug held loosely before him, Josh watches his friend eat. He watches the ease with which he brings that fork to his mouth and takes a bite of lasagna, as if it were nothing. It is nothing- to him.

   “Sam actually used pork for once in her meatless life.” That voice startles him back to life, but he speaks with a smirk. Another effort at that old humor they used to share. 

   “Didn’t want to visit Dr. Lecter herself?” He uses that same, tentatively soft tone he’s grown accustomed to in the ward, picking at the plate of food in front of him. Changing the subject is the easiest path, as the first step in the process of eating is exposing his disfigured mouth. To see the shock it always induced was absolutely mortifying.

   “Nah, she works and goes to school all week.” He takes another effortless bite of food. “Not that I don’t think human is on the vegan-friendly menu.”

   This provokes a weak smile out of Josh, though his eyes are still averted carefully. “‘Sounds like something they’d agree with, doesn’t it?” But his words are still muffled by that mask, and it’s noticed.

   “You can take that off around me, y’know.” He says this with what sounds like hurt, which would be painful if it didn’t mean he cared. The adam’s apple in his throat catches Josh’s hungry eye as he clears it uncomfortably. “Sam will be disappointed if you don’t at least try it.”

   RIP IT OUT… HEAD FROM BODY…. DELICIOUS…

   With a distracted glance away, he tries to ground himself.  _ You’re fine. You’re safe. Chris is safe. He’s here to help you. _ A deep breath fills his lungs, then exits with a rush to his heart. Yes, he’s fine. Besides, just like his therapist told him, if they care about him they’ll get used to him. They’ll understand. But will they? This courses through his mind as a cold, reluctant hand reaches up to his face. If ever there was a moment of truth, it is now. He shuts his eyes to shut out the dread; without the mask he is exposed and vulnerable. Not only does he have a monster inside, but outside as well.

   When he opens his eyes, they unintentionally meet that deadly blue gaze and he freezes in fear. Chris is staring, first at his mouth, then at him. It’s impossible to read his gaze, save for the visceral reaction of shock. The chasm starts to open beneath him, eagerly waiting to swallow him up at the slightest hint of revulsion from his friend. There isn’t a single word he can imagine saying that would quiet the disgust he expects to hear.

   “Wow.” Josh winces at this word of incredulity, already on the downward slope of hopelessness at ever being himself around the people he loves; this is just the inciting incident. But Chris isn’t done. “That’s awesome.”

    Everything focuses so intensely it’s like a fine point in his mind. “What?”

   He’s smiling, actually grinning at him. “Bro, that’s badass! You look like some kind of vampire-werewolf hybrid.” Instead of the repulsed reaction he’d expected, this blond goober is  _ impressed _ . “That’s not just special effects though, is it? It’s only on half of your mouth.”

   For a second, all he can hear is his own pulse thundering through his ears. “No- no, it’s not.” A faltering smile flashes, but he grows self conscious at those staring eyes. In fact, the other is already approaching for a closer look. Josh gulps his anxieties down and tries not to look scared; he is entirely surprised by this response, which makes him a little confused on how to deal with an outcome he hasn’t anticipated.

   Behind his glasses, Chris’ eyes flash with what looks like wonder. But then, upon realization, he checks himself. “Sorry. That’s probably not what you want to hear.”

   “It’s better than what I wanted to hear.” His words come out before he even has time to think them. There is a hesitant scoff before he continues with something akin to embarrassment. “I thought you’d be grossed out.”

   It’s that same hurt that colors his friend’s expression, but passes almost as quickly as it came. “Maybe the others, but not me. Wasn’t I the only one who would watch Cannibal Holocaust with you?”

   The glow from this warm ember of a memory shows on his face as he speaks, that half-maw working with his words. “Yeah.” He smirks at his next thought, “No one else wanted to risk getting caught by my dad. Especially not over some dumb mockumentary from the eighties.”

   Together, they let the recollection steep in silence like peppermint tea. 

   In middle school, Josh’s interest in film had gone through a major horror phase; together they’d groaned at every gruesome scene with appreciation. Chris was never one for older movies, (he was always very focused on the future, what with all the new technology popping up all over the place back then,) but finally he’d been persuaded to give it a chance. After a night full of junk food and video games and gore, he never outright refused a recommendation from Josh again.

   Their silence is broken by that gently humorous voice again. “C’mon man, you have to at least let me watch you eat.” He says it lightly, but it’s not hard to tell that he’s also saying this because he’s worried. Josh glimpses the reports, knows what they write in their notes on those shiny metal clipboards; he’s not eating enough, he’s never eating enough. While his other mental issues are glaringly apparent, this is the one that seems to worry people most. It’s just a little hard to cultivate an appetite when he can’t stand letting anyone see him eat.

   For the upteenth time, he wonders if this bite of food will be as tasteless and mindlessly bland as it usually is. His hopes are dashed as soon as it reaches his taste buds. With every unfeeling chew the feeling of disgust grows. Just like every time before, it takes everything in him not to spit out the flavorless lump instead of swallowing. For a moment the taste lingers in his mouth, which seems odd seeing as it only tastes like a lack of flavor. “Happy?”

   “Overjoyed.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick little flashback to a conversation between Chris and Sam

“‘Yello, Chris’ phone.”

    “Hey Chris, it’s Sam.”

   “Oh. Hey.” He’s glad she called- it’d be nice to talk to someone about all the chaos parading into his already messy life.

   “You got the call from Josh’s dad?”

   “Oh I got it alright. What an ass.”

   She half-chuckles at that, but seems to be more concerned with the serious side of their conversation. “So, you’re going to be living with him now.” He isn’t sure how to feel about her tone- it’s not disapproving, but it’s hesitant. Is she wary?

   “Uh… yeah. I guess I am. Ricky and Lucy back together again.”

   “Look Chris- when Josh’s parents called me I did some research, and I read those reports. He… I don’t know if he’s safe.”

   “Sam-”

  “All I’m saying is, be careful, okay? Whatever happened to Hannah started to happen to him too, and I think he brought it back with him.”

   Chris scoffs. “I never expected you to be so paranoid and insensitive- we have to give him a  _ chance _ . Did you even visit him?”

   “No, I-” She stops. “No, I haven’t.”

   “I can’t leave him stranded again, Sam. This isn’t his fault.”

   “It’s not your fault either.”

   He doesn’t answer her for a moment, just leaves the line quiet. She’s said similar things before, but it’s not easy to keep himself from feeling some responsibility for Josh’s situation. After they tied him up in that barn, Chris has wondered whether Mike feels the same, but never gotten the chance to ask. That’s not really been a topic open for discussion. “I’m picking him up tomorrow night.”

   “What did your parents say about all of this?”

   “That a diploma earned online might as well be no diploma at all.”

   “Harsh.”

   “Yeah well, you’re making everyone else look bad. You know too much kale is bad for you, right?”

   She laughs, “And how’s  _ your _ diet going?”

   “Down the drain. I let myself eat  _ four jumbo burritos _ last weekend. They were delicious.”

   “Mmm, lard.”


	5. Chapter 5

While he and Chris sit side by side finishing one of their old PlayStation games, everything strikes him as odd- surreal, in some ironic sort of way. It feels as if he’s been thrust into an alternate reality of his old life. 

   It’s only three in the morning when Chris declares he is ‘officially tired,’ which is more alarming than he’d expected. The prospect of having to go alone for even the few hours left in the night is daunting. Without that stark white stone to reassure him that every move he makes is being watched, Josh doesn’t know what will happen. If left alone with the thing living inside his head, he’s not sure he can trust himself. The only anchor of familiarity he can hold onto stands up to leave, and in a flash, he reaches out a hand to stop him. Cold, stiff fingers clench cotton as he clutches to his shirt with urgency. “Wait.” This surprises Chris, but there is no fear in his face, only patience furrowing his blond brow. No, he doesn’t say anything, just calmly waits for him to continue. It takes a quiet moment to string together an explanation that won’t sound completely insane, but Josh tries to manage. “I, um….” He clears his throat; it is hard, so hard to banish his sadness, but he manages. “I can’t be alone.” That fist loosens, and he lets it fall to the sofa, almost as if in defeat.

   Chris’ expression complicates with understanding, then he nods and slowly sits back down. “Okay.” He seems to ponder this for a bit longer, then offers a small, sad smile. It hurts to see his best friend like this, to see him changed; he is so obviously different, and yet so painfully the same.  _ And it’s all my fault,  _ he thinks.  _ I did this to him. _ And before he can even try to stop him, Chris is enveloping Josh in a hug. He is holding him, burying his head into his shoulder with a shuddering sigh. He can’t move, can’t speak, can’t even breathe for fear of losing control over something so trivial. There is nowhere to run. 

   “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

    For the most fleeting of moments, it is bliss; Chris is warm and comforting even when he’s crying, and after so long it’s addictive to feel a living, breathing life against him. With ginger movements, he loosely wraps his arms around him and takes a breath- but he doesn’t last for long. 

      SMELL THAT… MMMM…. DELECTABLE…

     Three voices are competing for attention in his ears; one, impulsive and dangerous, the second, reassuring him of safety, and the third, the heartbeat he can feel pulsing against his skin. Chris’ heartbeat, knocking at the door of his very soul. The only emotion present is overwhelming dread, for Josh knows just how close he is to ripping out his friend’s throat.    
   That damaged mouth opens to try to speak once more, tantalizingly close to the soft blond hair at the nape of his neck.

   RIP OUT ITS VIBRATING VOCAL CHORDS…

    “We left you- no,  _ I _ left you, for dead. Just like Hannah and Beth.”    
   Hannah and Beth. His mind clears completely as those names echo in his mind over and over like unanswered prayers. Even though he hasn’t hallucinated them for a long while, they still haunt his thoughts on a daily basis; but that doesn’t mean it’s Chris’ fault.

   In his distraction, he lets slip that same hungry rattle he’s grown so accustomed to. Now that he’s a bit less overwhelmed, he immediately separates them in a panic. Josh practically scrambles back, wishing he hadn’t taken his surgical mask off in the first place.

   Chris looks shocked and confused, but a little hurt as well. “What... was that?” But he can see it in his eyes; realization, dawning on him as memory matches with terrible memory. Those things on the mountain, (whatever they were,) made the same sounds, and they both know it.

   He can’t look at him when he says it, “Oh come on, Chris. I think you can connect the dots.” 

   “I know. There’s nothing I can say, we did this to you.” With pink cheeks, he wipes his eyes in embarrassment and shakes his head. “You have a right to be angry.”

   A shaky breath to calm down, eyes shut in acceptance. “I did this to myself.” When he opens them, it’s with a bitter laugh. “Karma’s a bitch.”

   It is obvious that the other is fighting an urge to argue. Doesn’t matter- it is time to grieve the loss of their old lives, and he should realize that. Nothing is ever going to be the same as it was.

   This point only seems to be driven home when he stands up beside him, and it feels almost foolish to ask him to stay again. Instead, it’s Chris who holds out a hand. “I’m still tired, but I don’t want to be alone either.” An apologetic smile is offered with tears carefully held back. “I won’t ever leave you alone again, Josh.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These two shut ins finally get out of the house

More than anything, Chris wishes Sam could be there to help him though this- to help them both through this. But she’s there in spirit; he reads the sticky note that she left on the Tupperware from earlier and smiles bitterly to himself. ‘For Josh and Chris, so you don’t have to live off of pizza and ramen forever!’ Like the older sister he never had. It’s hard to be mad at someone so sweet and considerate; even in hard times, she seems so put together.

   He takes a swig of orange juice straight from the carton before he shuts the fridge again. It’s late afternoon, but he’d only woken up a little while ago. Everything has been a tiring emotional roller coaster- he figures that’s probably why he slept so well. Josh is still in their darkened room, breathing quickly, but softly in his sleep. It is so bizarre to see him sleep now; while he hadn’t been the deeper sleeper of the two, he’d never been so fitful. Chris can only guess that the nightmares must have gotten worse.  _ Are they still nightmares if you sleep during the day? _

   He chuckles to himself as he scrolls through the feed on his phone without thinking.  _ He’s like a vampire. I slept with a vampire. _ But then, shakes his head and tries to correct the innuendo in his head.  _ Shut up, Chris. You always put your foot in your mouth. _

__ Light from the window glares on his screen- he frowns. The sun is shining annoyingly through the blinds. He’s about to get up when a voice raspy with sleep surprises him.

   “Already up?”

    When he turns around, startled, he is greeted with a tired Josh yawning from the shadowy hallway. The newly sharp teeth that extend as that mouth opens remind him of the vampire idea again, but he tries to push that train of thought from his mind.  _ Twilight wasn’t even that good of a movie, anyway. _

   “Oh- yeah. Got hungry.” If he weren’t feeling so lazy he’d have made bacon and eggs, but that sounded like so much  _ work. _

   There’s a short chuckle, as if he’s laughing at his own joke. “Yeah, me too.” But he doesn’t go to the fridge to look for a snack like he used to, just seems to remember himself and lets his smile fade.

   “Let’s go somewhere, then.” In all the years they’ve known each other, Chris has not been known to be the risk taker- that’s been mainly Josh’s role of the pair- but now, someone had to take up the mantle. Besides, that’d always been something he wished he had; courage. Maybe that’s why they got along so well in third grade.

   “Go?” Initially shock, then fear wrinkles the brow and stiffens the lips of that tired face.

   “Yeah dude, let’s get out of the house! This place is a little too much like The Stepford Wives for me anyway.” The movie reference plays with that smile again, and Chris knows he’s already convinced him to say yes, even if Josh won’t admit it to himself yet. “C’mon, let’s go for an adventure.”

   He rolls his eyes, but sighs and sits down next to him anyway. “Fine then, where’re we going?”

   “Oh. Right, I didn’t think about that part.” He’d been a little too preoccupied congratulating himself on that victory. 

   “Can’t have an adventure to nowhere, dumb ass.” 

   Where  _ could _ they go? Obviously Josh preferred somewhere secluded, and he had to say he felt the same way. Too many people made Chris anxious- it’s easier for him to communicate through a screen. So, something secluded and calm. His eyes light up at his epiphany. “I know exactly where we’ll go.” 

   Josh looks up with expectation. “Yeah?”

   “What, you think I’m gonna tell you? You’re just gonna have to wait and find out, bro.”

   “Fuck off.”

   “For real! Now go get dressed.”

 

   The drive was less awkward than their others; Chris played his music to lighten the mood, and Josh actually made some tentative comments about the song or where they were going. This is a small start, but it’s encouraging- if this is the rate of improvement, then they’ll be back to their old closeness in no time. At least, that’s what he hopes for. 

   When they arrive, the trees just barely block the setting sun from view. He blinks, and tries not to notice how eerie the forest looks in the darkness as it falls.  _ There’s nothing to be afraid of. _

   Josh doesn’t get out of the car right away; he looks so confined with that surgical mask covering half his face. “Chris, what the hell is this?”

   “It’s the woods. On a weekday. Just before nightfall.”

   He looks uncomfortable, “And?”

   “ _ And _ , nobody’s here. You can take off your mask and we can chill out without anyone bothering us.” He applauds himself for the stroke of genius, and hopes that it’s as good of an idea as he thinks.

   Although he doesn’t look reassured, Josh steps out of the car.

   As they walk, silence casts a cold layer over the air. Josh walks at a slightly slower pace behind him, eyes cast down, mouth concealed by cotton. Chris can’t stand it. Why can’t he read him anymore?  _ Just communicate, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?  _ Unable to wait any longer, he instead just tries to break the ice. “Don’t let me fall and break my ass, man.” A nervous chuckle, “AKA catch me.”

   It sounds like he says something in reply, but it’s drowned out by the bubbling of a stream they pass. Josh must have taken off his mask, for his voice is finally audible above the noise. “I said, ‘I don’t know if I’m strong enough to catch you, Cowboy.’” 

   “Was that a jab at my weight or my love of canned beans and campfire songs?” They both laugh at that one. He feels lucky that he's leading the way, because that way the dumb smile on his face in’t visible. Those ‘C’ nicknames have always been like an inside joke with them, and in a high anxiety situation like this prove uplifting. “Oh- we’re here.” Rather abruptly, Chris stops. Just discernible through the brush, he can see a small clearing. The grass peters off to rocks and then the water, perfect for wading.  _ Fucking genius, Chris. Destiny has got your back, bro. _

   Following behind him through the underbrush, Josh asks another question. He’d always been such an inquisitive bastard. (Affectionately, of course.) “How did you know this was here?”

   For a second, he considers just telling the truth outright, but smirks to himself instead. “Alright, you caught me. I’ve got a confession to make, bro.” They reach the clearing, and Josh looks perplexed. It’s funny how the ultimate prankster has always been so gullible to Chris’ jokes. “This is where I was baptized.” Absolute astonishment flashes across Josh’s face, but it falters when his friend can’t help but break into a snicker. “Sorry, no, it just looked like a cool spot.”

   There’s a roll of his eyes, but they’re paired with a broken smirk. “For a second there I thought you brought me here to put me out of my misery.” He chuckles and follows through the bushes.

   The two sit next to each other on the bank, catching their breath. All around, foliage hides them from view. Like anyone could see them in these dark woods, anyway. At this point, Chris can barely even see through the darkness. His fear returns, only kept in check by Josh’s comforting presence. “Spooked yet, Washington?” 

   That low, velvety tone startles him from the side. He could have been sure that they’d originally been sitting much further apart. “Not at all. Try harder next time, Casper.”

   Instead of replying, Chris lets the stream’s song take over for a bit. Even though it’s nice that they can talk comfortably now, sometimes the quiet moments are the best ones. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The smell of trees and dirt and life fill his nose, reminding him that there is nothing to fear in these woods. It calms his nerves a little.

   But the sudden movement next to him ratchets them back up again- Josh is breathing quickly and…  _ growling? _

   Chris grabs for his phone in his pocket to turn on the flashlight, but in the light of his screen he can see Josh sprawled over him possessively. He’s facing the trees, malformed teeth bared and hackles raised, (if that was even possible.) “Josh, what-?” He clicks on the flashlight, and his hand is immediately shoved down.

   “Shh…!” 

   He gets the message and puts it away, staying as absolutely still as he can. Something rustles in the distance. 

   The irrational fear and anxiety he’d been stuffing down start to return, tightening his throat and increasing the speed of his breathing.  _ There’s something out there.  _

__ Another inhuman growl comes from Josh, vibrating in his chest and against Chris’ skin.  _ He’s like an animal. _ And honestly, it has the opposite effect he expected. Instead of feeling scared, he feels security. Being stood over and guarded in such a barbaric way feels surprisingly safe- comforting, in some strange way. If they weren’t trying to listen for another suspicious sound, he’d be memorizing everything about Josh in this moment. Well, maybe he’d just take a picture instead. They tend to last longer.

   There’s another disturbance, this time much closer. Chris can feel his friend tense up, then prepare to make a move when the bushes rustle in front of them. Despite the first warning, (and his shaking hand,) he turns on his flashlight and shines it on the underbrush. 

   A small, black face peeks through the leaves- then two paws. A cat? He breathes a sigh of relief. 

   Josh just snarls even louder.

   “It’s okay, it’s just a-” It steps out of cover a little further, and the white stripes racing down the animal’s back make themselves known. His eyes widen, realizing what the thing is. “Josh- Josh, come on we gotta go.”

   But he doesn’t go, he just remains firm in that protective stance over Chris. 

   “Josh.”  _ Don’t do it, asshole. You better god damned listen to me. _

   Like a dog ignoring his master, he doesn’t listen to him. No, instead he pounces toward the skunk and all hell breaks loose. God damn it, Josh.


	7. Chapter 7

“If you wanted to reek of skunk so bad I could’ve just smoked you out, y’know.” Chris motions with his hands as he jokes, shaking the running hose he’s holding and spraying Josh with a few water droplets. It’s late, but they’ve both grown used to operating after hours.

    He might’ve laughed and come up with his own half to that absolutely terrible joke, but it’s hard to be funny when all you can think about are your imperfections. Why had he acted that way- and over a fucking skunk, no less? It was like he’d been in full control, but the beast in his belly had risen up to… fight? Attack? Defend, even? Well at the time, he’d been protecting Chris. That had been the one and only thing on his mind- keeping him safe from whatever could’ve been lurking in the dark.

   If only it hadn’t been a skunk. How stupid could he be?

   “Man, I’m really sorry-” He scratches his neck with a nervous hand, “I don’t know what the hell came over me.”

  “Ah, don’t sweat it. At least you didn’t lie down and roll around in its corpse.” For a moment, this is an alarming statement- but then he sees the laughter in Chris’ eyes. “That’s what my dog did last summer. Complete nightmare.” He continues spraying down the seat covers from his car. (Really it’s his parents’ car, but they’ve just been letting him use it since junior year.) It all seems so casual from that point of view- like it really had been a dog this whole time and not the insane best friend. Oh, how he wished it were true. Maybe in some alternate universe where he was _normal_ , it was. They’d laugh about it and get stoned, maybe order a pizza and eat too much. And then they’d talk until they fell asleep on top of each other like they always used to. But his heart sinks- that isn’t the reality anymore.  
  _Instead, you’re a freak, and Chris is stuck with you._  
 The guilt makes him paranoid and restless.

  “It’s cold. Can I go inside?” His voice is awkward.

  Chris notices, but doesn’t make a big deal out of it. “Sure, just don’t hog all the hot water.”

   Josh doesn’t say anything, just gives a soft smile and heads inside. Pretending to be normal was starting to give him a headache. He shivers, but not because of the cold biting at his fingers and nose; he shivers because he’s afraid. Chris trusts him completely- in fact he pities Josh, as if he were a wounded animal. But he has no idea just how dangerous that is- or that every moment is tainted by the urges twitching at Josh’s fingers and jaw.

   It seems easier to resist while they’re separated- out of sight, out of mind, right?- but even with the hot water beating against his back, Josh can feel his stomach growling with insistence.

  _You haven’t eaten anything today._

...EAT…. PROWL AND HUNT…

  Hurriedly, he turns off the water. The heat is only working with his empty stomach against him- he’s a little light headed and disoriented. Stepping out, he scrabbles for a towel and haphazardly wraps it around his waist.

  ...A FEAST… SHINY INTESTINES AND PLUMP FLESH… MMM..

   Josh can feel his heartbeat pounding against his chest like a drum.

   _Be quiet- stop-!_

   Shaky hands stabilize him against the counter, where he closes his eyes. All he needs is a moment of concentration, and then he’ll be fine.

   ...SHARP TEETH IN SOFT MEAT…

    _Stop..._

...TASTE THAT RICH COPPERY BLOOD…

   “STOP!” Josh found himself speaking- no, yelling- out loud. As his eyes shoot open, they dart up to the steamy mirror. There he is, skinny and tired, but there is something else in the reflection, too. Something that strikes terror into him as smartly as a hammer on a nail. Some dark thing, skinnier and far more haggard than he, appears to be clinging to his back.

    _Oh my god._

   It’s the thing. It’s… _It_. The monster.

   Immediately, his hands frantically claw at his back and shoulders. _Get it off get it off get it off-_ like a grade-schooler with a spider in his shirt.

  But there is nothing there. He glances back to the mirror, and he’s alone. There’s nothing there.

  Josh lets out a numb gasp. It’s hard to breathe, and he doesn’t know what to think. Yes he’s relieved, but only the tiniest bit. The rest of his mind is too busy trying to decide whether any of that was real or not, and if it wasn’t, whether that was an even bigger problem than if it were. One thing he does know- that he doesn’t want to be left alone with himself for any longer.

   “Josh? You okay in there?”


	8. Chapter 8

While Josh showered himself clean of skunk-smell, Chris took the liberty of doing the same-  _ and _ starting dinner. It wasn’t much, just spaghetti and meatballs, but he’d managed to work up an appetite after their little ‘adventure’. It was only when he was in the middle of straining noodles that he heard a commotion from above. Was that Josh…?

   Without a second thought, he climbed the stairs and tried not to worry himself too much. 

   “Josh? You okay in there?”

  The water isn’t running anymore, and it’s quiet on the other side of the door. _ if he doesn’t answer soon, just unlock the door. Shit, wait. They never gave you the skeleton key. _ This only increases his anxiety- if his friend was hurt, he’d never be able to get in there in time without breaking down the door.  _ And no way in hell are you strong enough to- _

   “Yeah- yeah, I’m fine.”

  “You sure?”

   “Yeah, don’t worry about it.”

   It isn’t entirely convincing, but he has to let it go. People drop stuff or trip all the time, it could’ve just been something like that. 

   He hopes it was something like that.

 

 They eat sitting across from each other at the table. Chris gets a second helping while Josh only picks at his food. Again, he notices. 

   “Eat a meatball and you won’t have to help with the laundry...” It’s said with a smile. 

   Josh looks as if he were just lost in thought, and very noticeably doesn’t meet his gaze. He offhandedly mumbles something about not being hungry.

   “Pleaaase?” He can’t help a chuckle at his own joke: “With whipped cream and cherries on top?”

   When he speaks, its with quiet finality, as if he weren’t even talking to Chris, but to someone else entirely. “I’m not hungry.” 

   This is worrying, but so are a lot of his best friend’s other behaviors.  _ Why’s he being so weird? Just... play it cool and keep an eye out.  _ So, he raises his shoulders as if to say, ‘Your choice,’ and goes back to finishing his dinner.

   Their forks clink against the dishware in the silence that follows. 

   Josh has obviously crawled back into his introverted hole, and all over this silly mistake of his. Yeah it’d been a little… strange to find himself dragging the guy away from that skunk like a wild animal, but it didn’t mean he had to beat himself up over it like this. Things had been going so smoothly, too. Maybe after they slept, or even after dinner, things would be better. Between the two of them, problems tend to just solve themselves sometimes. If only he weren’t so damned  _ unreadable. _

   “Chris?”

   Shocked to hear his name spoken with such clarity, he looks abruptly up to the other. “Yeah?”

   “Did I… scare you?” Maybe it was nothing, but his tone sounds almost hopeful, in an unidentifiable way.

  “No.” Maybe such a frank reply isn’t what he was looking for, but at least it’s honest. He wasn’t scared of Josh for a moment in those woods- in fact he hadn’t been scared at all, even in the darkness- all  _ because _ of Josh. It brings an involuntary warmth to his cheeks, to which he responds with a clearing of his throat.

   “Hm.” That’s all Josh offers before sinking back into one of those brooding gazes.

   There’s another prolonged pause.

   Chris opens his mouth to say something- to ask why he should be afraid, maybe what happened upstairs- but stops when he notices that Josh is chewing. So he’d decided to eat something after all. Thank God. He doesn’t need to be any thinner than he already is. Maybe they’d had enough crazy talk for one night- the last thing he wanted was to push him too far. What then, even less of an appetite? He couldn’t bear the thought of letting Josh waste away like that. 

   Something terrible crosses his mind- he wonders whether this is how he looked after starving in the mines. It sends chills down his neck and spine.  Looking back on that makes him feel guilty, as if it weren’t his business. _Don’t think about it._ _The past only brings ghosts._

__ He isn’t hungry anymore.

   “Don’t worry about the dishes. I’ve got it.”

  Another surprising development. Chris’ blue eyes glance up, but only to see the expression on Josh’s face as he takes his plate. “Thanks.” 

   It’s unreadable.


	9. Chapter 9

In the darkness, in a way, he can see; he can see movement, he can see smells, he can see heat. Chris radiates heat, so close to his skin that he can feel it without even reaching out. Yes, there is the usual hunger, but there is something else, too. There is a new kind of hunger. 

   In therapy, they called it skin hunger; the need for physical contact.

    This is more than that.

   Careful fingers start behind Chris’ ear and trail down that warm neck, then slowly come to a stop just at his shoulder. Josh’s fingertips tingle at the feeling; it’s instinctual- he can’t help the quickening of his pulse nor the skip of his heart, or that he feels alive- he feels  _ so alive _ . 

   It’s as if the living breathing light that exists in Chris is seeping into his skin and giving him life and he can’t get enough. He is the sun, and Josh is the moon reflecting his light; without it, he is nothing. There is nothing.

   And he has no idea.

   Lost in thought and admiration, he leans in for a closer, more detailed look at that peaceful, sleeping face.

   There are only a couple hours in the early morning that he can exist in before Chris wakes. It’s become routine, like a daily prayer. These are the moments in which he feels he can move free of judgement, free of eyes watching his every move. 

   As the sun’s first crippling rays rise, they also come to illuminate those familiar features and long blond lashes. With a gentle hand, he cradles his beautiful face and just barely brushes those eyelashes with a thumb. By now Chris has to have realized how charming he is, he has to have noticed how easily he can make Josh smile. How could anyone be so blind? It’s baffling, frustrating and saddening all at the same time- if only he could tell him. 

   But that would be just as bad as confessing to wanting to eat him.

   He finally begins to stir, right on schedule.

    Josh hurriedly takes his hand back and turns over without a sound. The warmth is gone.

   Chris yawns and stretches behind him, then fumbles for his glasses.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris knows something is up, but not how to talk about it. He asks Sam for advice, and finds himself taking it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh!! This has blown up! I am so glad so many of you enjoyed it, and I am beyond thrilled to write more. Unfortunately though, this is the second to last chapter of this work. I hope it leads up to the climax well...

 

   Josh has finally come out of his shell enough to comfortably hold a conversation, and it’s quite the relief. Though Chris hasn’t been stuck in a hospital for the past year, it’s still felt like an isolated number of months for him. It’s nice to finally fall into a routine after living alone for so long.

   They wake up at odd times of the day and night, always up at the same times. Sometimes Chris makes food, sometimes they order take out. Josh sticks to his side like glue- they talk about anything and everything during the car rides. Although they both have a terrible history with procrastination, Josh keeps him on track with his online schooling. ‘For every hour you spend working on that I’ll watch one of those gross romcoms with you.’ Is all he had to say before Chris was back to work, typing away at his Programming essay. (Why he has to write an essay in a  _ programming _ class is an enigma in the first place, but oh well.) It works, and he’s happy that it works. Chris can almost feel himself getting used to things.

 But there’s still something bothering him- ever since their trip to the woods it’s been bothering him.

   It almost seems as if... Josh is keeping something from him. With all the furtive glances and shady bathroom visits, he’s definitely noticed- and while it may not be any of Chris’ business, he still worries. He worries a lot, no matter how at ease he seems. He is Josh’s sole caretaker, after all.

 

 

 

   “...So you see my plight.” 

   “Hmmm. Weird. Is he eating?”

   “Well...that’s a complicated question.”

   “Isn’t it a yes or no question?”

   “Sam, nothing is ever a yes or no question with Josh.”

   “Touche.”

  Who other to call than Sam, always ready and equipped to work through a problem until it was solved? Chris just hopes this is something she’ll be able to help with. What with her being so busy and all she hasn’t even been able to answer much, but this time she assured him there was plenty of time to talk.

   “‘Think I should ask him about it?”

   “I was waiting for you to come to that conclusion.” She laughs. “Of course you should ask. You’d want him to ask you, wouldn’t you?”

   “...Yeah, I guess so.” It wasn’t that he disagreed, but the idea of putting Josh on the spot like that didn’t appeal to him very much.

   “You don’t sound like you want to.”

   Chris gives a chuckle and imitates Sam in comedic fashion; “‘I was waiting for you to come to that conclusion.’”

    You can hear the smile in her voice when she replies. “Har har har. You still have to talk to him.”

   She’s right, and he sighs because he knows she’s right. “But- what if there isn’t even anything to worry about and I’m just making a fool of myself?”

   “You’re not, and there might not be! But would that be so bad?”

   “No, I… I guess not.” But the uncertainty in his voice says otherwise.

   Her tone is probing; wary, but serious. “Unless you have something else to worry about…?”

   He’s confused by what she means by that, but eventually it clicks what she might be insinuating and he finds himself blushing. “Come on Sam, I was in middle school.” Chris scoffs. There’s no way the conversation will go that way anyway.”

   “I didn’t mean  _ that _ , goober.” She chuckles, though. Apparently he’s shown far too much sensitivity on the subject for her to drop it. “But you  _ do _ live alone together... sleep in the same bed, share intimate secrets-“

   “Moving on, please?”

   “Just get it over with quickly- like a band aid.” She lets him off easy, and he breathes an inward sigh of relief. “Once it’s over it’s over. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?”

  
  


 

 

   That’s exactly what worries him most- the worst that could happen. In fact, it wracks him relentlessly for days after his conversation with Sam. Every moment that seems like the right one passes before he can push himself to speak. Why is it that every time those gloomy green eyes rest upon him, his tongue turns to lead? Were it not so debilitating it might’ve been funny. 

   Finally, the last straw is drawn. After dinner one Wednesday evening, something sets the cogs turning again. Everything is perfectly casual, when all of a sudden, there’s a clicking sound from beside him. Josh freezes in what looks like fear, as if he were sitting right atop a land mine. The look on his face is somehow familiar, but untouchable.  _ What the fuck does it mean? _ Chris can only begin to ask what’s wrong before the guy bolts off to the bathroom with a hurriedly mumbled excuse. 

  While he’s gone, Chris sits with his fingers resting on his keyboard, stopped mid-sentence. His mind is reeling. 

   Josh returns with a guilty expression, but provides no explanation as he resumes his place on the bed.

   The guy just up and leaves, and he’s supposed to just shrug that off? Fat fucking chance. “What was that?” Such a sudden question startles the other, but he stands his ground.

   “What was what?” Josh looks like he’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, which is odd, since Josh has always so easily hidden behind casual jokes and smiles.

_   “ _ That _.  _ Just now.”  _ Does he really want to pass this off as nothing?  _ Chris’ overly concerned parent mode has begun to bleed in, but he doesn’t even realize. “You were  _ terrified _ , Josh-“

   “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Defiance sparks in his eyes. “Maybe I just had to go to the bathroom.”

   It’s disarming. He hasn’t heard that confrontational tone from Josh since- well, not since... “Yeah. Right.” It feels as if he’s on the top of a very high cliff, and in the process of jumping. ‘ _ Once it’s over it’s over.’ _ Sam was right, if he just remembered that, then maybe his chest would quit tightening. “There’s something going on with you, and I can tell.”

   This shocks him into silence, then his shoulders soften with a familiar kind of defeat. He suddenly looks very tired- more tired than before, as if he is crumbling under some great, invisible weight. “Shit…” Never one to show emotion with much ease, Josh brings a hand to his face and gives a broken sigh.

   There’s a snap as Chris shuts his laptop and puts it to the side. “Just don’t lie to me, man.” He offers a half smile. “I’ve got a built in bullshit detector.”

   To his surprise, Josh doesn’t humor him, not even a little bit. He just sits with his arms held around him and that same distant expression on his face for a few moments. Maybe he’s lost in thought, maybe he’s just waiting to know what to say. It’s hard to tell. Eventually though, he breaks the silence and speaks again. “I’m crazy.”

   His first reaction is to scoff and reply, but he is immediately cut off.

   “No, for real Chris! I’m fucking bonkers! Every time I see you, hear you-” Josh falters, but continues in a low voice. “ ...smell you.” He shuts his eyes, pain furrowing his brow. “I can’t.. I can’t control my thoughts. I can’t control what I want to  _ do. _ ” Only now does that intense gaze meet his, and it’s muddled with disgust. “To  _ you! _ ” It comes out as an incredulous realization- one that he’s come to many times already. “I’m an animal. You saw what happened in the woods.” He sighs and shakes his head, as if he’s just told a very long story or come to the end of a speech. “I’m dangerous. Even sitting here next to you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unsatisfying end to an intense conversation, and finally, the conclusion. B)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter finished and waiting to be published since the beginning of this fic- I am so unbelievably excited to finally be able to post it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed thinking this shit up. These two are magical in their own bromantic little way.

       For a few terrifying moments, Chris doesn’t say anything. Cheeks flushed with emotion, he is obviously shocked, as he should be. But that’s all that Josh can read in his expression. That, and a quiet understanding. Or at least, that’s what he hopes it is. Things could turn out well if he’s right. This hope is all he can hold onto amongst the overwhelming feelings of shame, repulsion, and fear. He’s never afraid for himself anymore- no, he can take care of himself- it’s Chris who needs protecting. Josh is reminded of this every time he has to stand between him and the vile creature biding its time at his shoulder. The only thing was, that creature was beginning to resemble him more and more… whether physically or mentally. The line separating their psyches had already begun to blur dangerously, and nothing scared him more. _That_ is what this is all about- the paranoid behavior, sketchy glances, odd bathroom visits and panicked expressions- Josh has been hiding his other half from Chris.

   …YOU HAVE HIM ALONE...

   After what feels like an eternity, he speaks. “Is that… all?” He looks as if he might be about to smile, as if this were just a funny misunderstanding from the start.

   “Well,” Josh, a little baffled at what the situation is and how to respond to it, clears his throat, “...yeah.” Confusion swirls in his mind like cream in coffee. Had he not been clear enough about the whole _cannibalism_ thing? In another awkward act of uncertainty, he swallows and tries to communicate just how serious the situation is. In fact, he’s desperate to. If he can’t protect his best friend from himself any longer, then Chris would have to start doing it himself. “But that’s a pretty fucking big ‘all.’” This makes them both smile, even if it doesn’t last long. The sharper side of his mouth itches with something akin to uneasiness. All he can do is watch with baited breath for the soft azure in those eyes to harden into revulsion. Any moment he would see Josh for what he really was and everything would fall to pieces around them, like the tumbling columns of Rome.

   This time, Chris chuckles. It’s thin with anxiety, but breathless with- relief? Somehow, it’s his hidden gift to breathe a little light into any situation. The casual shrug he offers with his words does wonders to calm Josh’s nerves. “I _guess_ I just kinda thought you’d have a better secret than that.” It’s almost as if he’s told him good news instead of a terrible confession.

   Again, the confusion rises to the surface of his mind and covers every thought like a blanket of darkness. He lets out a breath, but it sounds a little more like a mixture between a cough and a laugh. All the words he’d prepared for a response fell flat, forgotten in his utter bewilderment. There are two conflicting ideas trying to reconcile with one another in his head among the flurry of emotion. On one side, the steady truth that Chris was defenseless and needed some sense talked into him. But on the other, the much warmer prospect of letting himself fall into such an easygoing trap of love and acceptance.

   ...THE PERFECT CHANCE...

   It’s too easy to choose selfishly.

   He smiles tentatively, and their eyes meet for the most fleeting of moments- tree leaf green touching lofty sky-blue- before looking away again. It’s easier to keep his head clear if he’s looking away. “I guess I’m just saving the good ones for our high school reunion.” In his distraction it comes out as a bitter remark instead of a joke, and he can taste it dying out on his tongue.

   It earns him a playful punch in the shoulder anyway. “Very funny.” There’s still worry in the lines of Chris’ face, but it’s paired with a sense of relief. The delicious pink of his cheeks has returned- “Look, I’m sorry for grilling you like that. You know how worried I can get.”

   For a second, Josh is distracted hungrily by the curve of that jaw and throat, and not a single word registers. Something small has eroded in the back of his mind, but remains unnoticed. Quickly, Josh snaps himself back to reality. He absent mindedly cracks his knuckles to anchor himself. “...Yeah.”

   

 

   

  
  


  They are close, but feel closer.

   Just as before, they lay next to each other, but something has changed. After their conversation, everything has just felt so… _off._ And it’s only been a couple hours. Josh thinks that he has ruined everything- that happiness was just a vacation. How could he have been so _stupid_ \- so brash? Just like in the woods, his emotions had flooded in to blind him. The only opportunity for Josh to warn him that he was a monster, and he’d squandered it. If he wasn’t going to take the full plunge, he might as well have kept his mouth shut.

   As he stews, he shivers in the cold that realization provides. There isn’t a sound to be heard in the darkness. His fingers are numb.

   Chris’ hand brushes against his in the night, and he freezes. Josh’s breath quickens in a kind of panic, and he licks his lips. _Control yourself. Don’t be a fucking idiot, he’ll pull away in a second._ Josh stays impossibly still, waiting for just that.

   Chris leaves his hand where it is.

   He can’t see the expression on Chris’ face, but his touch is soft. “Josh… are you awake?” The vulnerable way with which he whispers sends goosebumps up his arms- he’s never heard him speak like that in his entire life. Part of him wonders just what kind of people that voice is reserved for.

   Something feral stirs in the pit of his stomach.

   DEVOUR IT…

   Instantly, the thoughts come, but with them, uncertainty as well; where do you draw the line between love and hunger?

   “Chris…” How badly he wishes to continue, but it’s impossible to know what to say. Silence is a better option- a more comfortable option.

   Beside him, there is a light rustling. The bedside lamp clicks on, and suddenly his best friend is staring down at him with an unreadable expression. His fists are clenched in what seems to be a show of determination, completely unphased by the fact that he’s in pajama pants.

   The scent of his bare skin is intoxicating.

   ..BREATHE THAT IN…..    

   Josh, surprised and a little wary, sits up a bit and avoids his gaze. What does he want?

   Chris looks as if he’s steeling himself. There is a deep breath, and then he sets his shoulders.

   Nothing could have prepared him for what was next. Nothing on earth or in heaven above.

    “I want to fucking kiss you.”

   Now Josh meets his eyes; now he stares those baby blues on without reservation. Yes, he heard him. Heightened hearing or not, he would have heard every syllable of that sentence with perfect clarity.  Every nerve in his body immediately begins to yearn, to scream, to cry out with the desire- the _need._ To do what, exactly, is still to be determined. It’s been impossible to define or fight his emotions in their wave of cacophony, but in this moment, they are all pointing to the same conclusion; the line between love and hunger is a gray one.

   With the steady bass of his pulse roaring in his ears, Josh moves with frightening speed. In one fluid movement he has moved intimately close, grabbing that blond hair by the fistful. His mouth is a mere inch from Chris’ ear- from the fluttering heartbeat pounding tantalizingly at his neck. The words come out as a carnal whisper, but they are close to a scream.

   “...I WANT TO FUCKING TEAR YOU APART…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I want to say thank you to everyone who read this, it means loads. Second of all, I want to give a special thanks to those of you who left kudos and especially those who commented! I so wish Archive of Our Own had a better way of contacting/messaging so that we could communicate more freely! You guys are awesome.  
> And third of all, I have some good news. This fic may have ended quite abruptly and with a HUGE cliffhanger, ( I am too big a fan of Russian-literature inspired dissatisfying endings,) but don't worry! I fully intend to make a sequel to this, and will be starting it soon. In fact, some material intended for this fic is already ready to be posted! I could use some title/scene recommendations though, so suggestions are welcome.  
> That being said, this is my first completed fic with multiple chapters, and I am absolutely jazzed it has been so successful. I cannot wait to write books upon books about these two, and I'm so glad you guys enjoy them as much as I do.  
> Hope to see you in the notes of my future works,  
> FIN


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